I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
