that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
