im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
