After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
