i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
