My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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