i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
