Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
