I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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