i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
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You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
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Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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