I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
