remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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