Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
