This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
