Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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