im six kinds of drunk right now
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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