How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
