Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
