I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
