My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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