I think I died a long time ago.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
