Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
