so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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