I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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