Fine. I'll sleep in my office
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
