Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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