so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
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You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
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PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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