I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
