omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
