Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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