go do what you do best...puke behind churches
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
