No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
