I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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