If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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