i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i love accidental penises.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.