I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
