How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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