And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
