I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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