so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
