i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
