he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
