i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize