if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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