I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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