I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
