It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
