you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
as a side note pls kill me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
