I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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