I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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