Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
