Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You have to summon your inner elephant
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
