Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
only you would photoshop your dick
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
